When Kids Refuse to Go to School

Posted on September 16, 2015 by Center for Parenting Education

I’ve never run into a person who yearns for their middle school days.
~Jeff Kinney, author of Diary of a Wimpy Kid

Most people cringe when they think of their middle school days and wish they could have skipped right over those years. Other kids head for the hills at other times, usually those that involve transitions.

When children are just starting school, when they switch from lower to upper school, or even when there are big changes in the family (births, deaths, divorces), children can prefer the safety of home. They may complain of a variety of ailments – most commonly headaches and stomachaches. This is known as school refusal.

Often parents feel frustrated and at a loss. It is hard enough to get through the morning routines without having to cajole your child into going to school. Is he really sick? Do you need to make child-care arrangements? What are you doing wrong and what is wrong with your child?!

It is often these last thoughts that create a great deal of shame and blame. Parents may just want their kids to be in school like everyone else and may not want to spend the time getting to the bottom of the problem.

Reach out for help

Sometimes this shame can cause parents to hide the problem from the school. However, the opposite strategy may work best; approach school personnel sooner, rather than later. This can help by:

  • providing you with information. You can ask them if anything is happening in school that may be bothering your child. Is he struggling in class? Does he have friends? Are they aware of any bullying that you child may exposed to, even if he isn’t the target? Are there any changes in routines, teachers, or students in the class?

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  • providing them with information. Perhaps the teachers can approach your child differently if they know about an illness in the family or other struggle. They can keep an eye out during school hours to see if your child is having difficulty either socially or academically.

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  • offering help. Even though it may feel like your child is the only one pulling the covers back up over her head in the mornings, most schools have previously dealt with school. Especially in the early years, schools may have procedures in place, such as having a guidance counselor meet your child in the morning and help her ease into her day.

Hopefully, with your combined efforts, you will be able to nip the problem in the bud. If not, you will need the school’s support to get your child back into school as soon as possible. Better to have already begun the conversation than to have to start it down the road when you are wondering what is wrong at school and they are wondering what is going on at home.

Although it can feel like the school is your enemy when your child refuses to go, the staff is really on your side, wanting your child in class so he can learn.

By Deb Cohen, Certified Parenting Educator
Posted in A - Z Parenting Tips, School Issues | Leave a comment

Parenting Uncertainty

Posted on August 1, 2015 by Center for Parenting Education

Uncertainty is reality.
– Dr. Robert L. Leahy (author of The Worry Cure)

Reality continues to ruin my life.
– Bill Watterson (creator of Calvin and Hobbes)

 
I used to daydream about morphing my two kids into one so that I could have the perfect child.

Kid #1 Kid #2
Athletic, stays in shape Couch potato, loves to recline
Painfully slow-to-warm Can work a room like a pro
Skeptical to a fault Will give anybody a chance
Kind and caring Would pull the plug in a minute

See what I mean? Mix and match. Perfection!

Okay, that was fantasy. In reality, I would repeatedly ask myself: What can I do to guarantee my children’s futures as happy, independent, responsible adults? Can I somehow defrost the painfully slow-to-warm kid? How will I get the “recliner” to at least stand upright?

Eventually, it dawned on me that I could not really change my children and that there are no guarantees in parenting. In fact, parenting is teeming with, steeped in, overflowing with uncertainty.

And that uncertainty cost me a lot of sleep. I’d toss and turn in bed ruminating on the fate of the “unsociable” one: This kid will always be alone, never have any friends, become a hermit up in the mountains with a Gandalf beard and Howard Hughes fingernails. I was a little worried.

Worried, but determined! For example, I gently nudged the slow-to-warm child to join a favorite sports club; I invited friends over as much as possible; and, we literally practiced the fine art of small talk.

I worked just as hard with the “recliner.” I bought a membership to the “Y,” suggested going on walks together, riding bikes, and insisted on swimming lessons. I took Zumba, yoga, and Tai chi classes myself to be a good role model. I tried, I really, really tried!

Now for the good news: 20 years later, the “unsociable” one is hosting a bachelor party this summer at his house for his best friend (he’s also a groomsman in the friend’s wedding). Ta da! Sociable!

And the “couch potato?” Like magic, she does yoga regularly and recently joined a kickboxing class!

What did I learn?

  • You can’t really change your children’s traits, but you can help them enhance their strong points and encourage them to improve their not-so-strong points.
  • Parenting is a long, rocky road. There’s plenty of time; don’t give up!
  • All kids are different. Don’t compare yours to other people’s or even your own kids to each other.
  • Even though there are no guarantees, keep plugging along making the best decisions you can at the time. With support and encouragement, your child will likely find his way.
  • Sometimes your best efforts don’t pay off, but at least you will always know you tried. (Caveat: often they do pay off!)

Remember, parenting means you live with much uncertainty. And that’s called reality.

By Claire Gawinowicz, Certified Parenting Educator
Posted in A - Z Parenting Tips, Parents | Leave a comment

Amygdala Hijacking

Posted on July 1, 2015 by Center for Parenting Education

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That’s like a free compliment and you don’t even gotta be smart to notice it.
-Mitch Hedberg, Comedian

 
Speaking of brains, have you ever had your amygdala hijacked? If you are a parent, your amygdala has probably been hijacked many times by tiny, little criminals also known as your kids.

Here’s why: the amygdala (also called the reptilian brain) is the emotional part of the brain, left over from our caveman days. It regulates the fight or flight response. When parents are “threatened,” like for instance, when your child insists on pushing the grocery cart through the store and he “innocently” crashes into your foot, which hurts only slightly less than childbirth, you may respond irrationally. That’s because your prefrontal cortex, your thinking brain, gets hijacked by the very powerful reptilian brain. This is what Daniel Goleman, in his book Emotional Intelligence, calls an “amygdala hijacking.”

Now, immediately after the grocery cart crime, your hair-trigger amygdala tells you to collar the perp who sent the searing pain through your foot and let him have it. For many reasons including social media being what it is, you can’t do this. So how do you get your thinking brain to control your reptilian brain? It is possible – not easy – but possible.

  • First, label your feelings silently in your own head: pain, anger, frustration, etc.

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  • Then, take a breath and through (probably) gritted teeth, quietly tell your child how you feel, “When you run into my foot with the heavy cart it really hurts and I become angry.”

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  • Next, take executive action. Inform the criminal, I mean child, “I’m taking the cart now – when we have more time on another day, you can push.”

As difficult as the scenario above may be, remember that you can control the hijack. All you have to do is use your head.

By Claire Gawinowicz, Certified Parenting Educator
Posted in A - Z Parenting Tips, Anger | Leave a comment

Dads are Special

Posted on June 1, 2015 by Center for Parenting Education

As a pediatrician, I often witness one of the most infuriating events for mothers. At their child’s 9-month-old visit, I ask, “Has he said any words yet?” “Dada,” says the mother, frustrated that “dad” gets first billing when many times mom is doing the brunt of the work. I look over to the father in the room, and his smile says it all. “Dada.”

I then proceed to explain to the parents that the sound “da” is much easier to form than the much more complicated “ma” and that babies usually save “the best for last.” Usually, this gets both parents smiling.

I went into pediatrics because I love working with children: their resiliency, their grit, their joy, their pain, their triumphs over obstacles, and their smiles drew me to them. I thought my training gave me the skills I needed to become a compassionate pediatrician. That is, until I heard the words “dada” float out of my oldest child’s mouth and penetrate deeply into my heart.

Children tend to bring out the softer side of men, whether they are fathers, stepfathers, or grandfathers. They allow us – and expect us – to not only protect them, but to put aside all of our needs and our egos, to become selfless and playful, while having an eagle-eyed focus on them.

Fathers sometimes get criticized for not being there for their kids and their families, and some of this criticism is deserved. But as I make my way through my daily activities, I notice so much of the good that fathers bring to the family:

  • Walking down the street, I notice a tall, strong, tattooed man. Perched on his broad shoulders is his 3-year-old daughter, barrettes clanging in the breeze, eyes beaming, toothy grin shining with the knowledge that she is loved by her father, who supports her every step of the way.

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  • I see another father, arm around his son, homework in his lap, on a bench waiting for the bus. The father patient, wise, engaged, and encouraging.

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  • At work, I knock on the door of my next patient, a 15-month-old girl with cerebral palsy. As I walk in, I see the joy on this special child’s face as her dad raises her up in the air above his head, eyes locked. The obvious love and joy that this father and daughter have for each other in that moment makes me feel like an intruder into a relationship that requires no words.

One need not go on an airplane to experience the most incredible, joyful, sometimes painful, life- altering adventure. A man just needs to hear his baby’s first word: “Dada.” The adventure begins.
 
Happy Father’s Day!
 

by Dr. Daniel Taylor
Dr. Dan is a Pediatrician at St. Christopher’s Hospital for Children and Advocacy Director of the Pediatric Residency Program. His is also the developer of an online resource for families in Philly called at Cap4Kids. Dr. Dan writes occasionally for the Philadelphia Inquirer but his most important job is that of dad to his four kids.
Posted in A - Z Parenting Tips, Fathers, Holidays, Parents | 1 Comment

Being a Mom is a Hard Work

Posted on May 1, 2015 by Center for Parenting Education

“The natural state of motherhood is unselfishness. When you become a mother, you are no longer the center of your own universe. You relinquish that position to your children.”

― Jessica Lange

For all the women out there doing the hard work of mothering, we tip our hats to you. Caring for children, keeping their needs always in mind, and providing constant care is a never-ending job.

In honor of all you do, we share the following video:

 

Posted in A - Z Parenting Tips, Parents | Leave a comment

Looking Back to Parent Forward

Posted on April 1, 2015 by Center for Parenting Education

“Be the parent you wish you had.”

~ Dr. Louise Hart, Parenting Expert

 
Growing up with seven brothers and sisters was very lively; there was always someone to play with, holidays were rollicking events, and older siblings showed the younger ones the ropes. But because there were hardly any rules in our house, it was also quite chaotic.

It seems my parents did not know the best way to enforce the limits that we needed. So when they did try to keep us in line, they sometimes relied on shame, guilt, name-calling, and occasional mild swipes with the belt. Not ideal methods!

I loved my parents with all my heart and, of course, they loved us. They did the best they could considering their backgrounds and how they were raised, but I did not want to use their approach to discipline my own children. I felt there must be a better way than leaving kids without clear guidelines to follow or expectations to meet, and then harshly punishing them for crossing some arbitrary line.

Do any of the following statements reflect questions you have about how you were raised and how you want to raise your children?

  • “When I was growing up, my parents were too strict. I don’t want to be that way.”
  • “How can I get my children to listen to me without having to yell at them? I don’t want to make them feel bad like my parents did to me.”
  • “My parents never corrected me when I was growing up. I felt like I had to raise myself. I want to give my kids more guidance, but I don’t know when I’m being too hard on them.”
  • “What do I do if my husband and I don’t agree on how to discipline our children? We were brought up so differently.”

In general, people parent the way they were parented, unless they feel a need to do things differently. Taking a long, hard look at how you were raised is an important first step in choosing to change the child-rearing patterns established in your family. You can then decide what parts of your upbringing you cherish and want to repeat with your children and which you want to modify or discard.

While making these changes can be difficult and you may feel disloyal to your parents in the process, know that by doing so you are helping your kids to have the parents they need, want, and deserve.

By Claire Gawinowicz, Certified Parenting Educator
Posted in A - Z Parenting Tips, Co-parenting, Discipline | Leave a comment

Parenting Highly Sensitive Children

Posted on March 27, 2015 by Center for Parenting Education

Dr. Ted Zeff’s wonderful new book, “The Power of Sensitivity: Success Stories of Highly Sensitive People Thriving in a Non-sensitive World,” gives us many insights into what it means to be a sensitive person. It gives us the privilege of looking through the window as many different highly sensitive children and adult lives change for the better.

One such story that deeply touched me is told by Cecilia Bonnevie, who talks about the gifts and challenges of raising an HSP son. Cecilia talks about the deep appreciation that they have for their eight-year old son’s sensitivity. He has deep sympathy for people. He has recently turned vegetarian because he feels so sad for the animals that get killed. He is not afraid of expressing his warmth and deep love for people who matter a lot to him.

At the same time, this greatly heightened sensitivity also means that he gets easily overwhelmed, especially when he is entering a new situation. He needs to be well-prepared to perform at his best. He needs guidance in understanding and dealing with his emotional reactions.

What’s so heart-warming is the love and thoughtfulness that Cecilia and her husband pour into guiding him in learning about who he is and how he can use that to the greatest advantage. Cecilia tells us about how when her son needs to enter a potentially over-stimulating environment, her husband and she take extra care to prepare him for the shift.

“For example, a week before school started we went to his new school as a family, played at the playground, and talked about his feelings and fears of starting a new school and meeting new friends. We assured him that he wasn’t alone in feeling overwhelmed and anxious and let him know that other kids felt the same way on their first day of school. Since the teachers in our school put up a list of children’s and their teacher’s names before school starts, our son felt more relaxed and confident having this information beforehand.”

Cecilia talks about how they work closely with their son’s teachers and help to inform them about his trait in a way that would not “label” him. They also give then a copy of “The Twenty Tips for Teachers” from Elaine Aron’s book The Highly Sensitive Child. This proactive approach helps create a much more understanding environment for her son.

Cecilia also shows us how love can shape a child’s sense of self. When she notices that her son does not participate in big groups because he is overstimulated by the noise and commotion, she starts volunteering for field trips and in gym class. She plays with other kids so that her son can see how much fun it could be to join in on all the fun and games. He just observes her the first few times she volunteers, but pretty soon, he starts participating. As he starts discovering himself and his abilities, he finds that he is, in fact, very athletic and a fast runner. This, further, adds to his confidence.

Cecilia and her husband show us how parenting a sensitive child is about working with their sensitivity, and not against it. They don’t try to impose any outer standards of behavior on their son. Instead, they unconditionally love him for who he is.

They see all the amazing gifts of sensitivity, and give it shape and direction. Their love and acceptance ensures that their son become more and more confident as time goes on. He participates in the world around him, and discovers who he is in the process.

This heart-warming real-life story tells us of the ways in which parents can nurture their sensitive children. When the child feels this love and interest, it is natural for him to grow into someone who also loves and accepts themselves. This is one of the gifts that understanding parents can give HSP children – the self-acceptance that is at the core of later success and happiness in life.

 

By Ritu Kaushal, reviewing  Ted Zeff’s The Power of Sensitivity: Success Stories of Highly Sensitive People Thriving in a Non-sensitive World

Posted in A Parent's Reflections | Leave a comment

Handling Disappointments

Posted on March 1, 2015 by Center for Parenting Education

“Little by little we human beings are confronted with situations that give us more and more clues that we are not perfect.”

~Fred Rogers

I’ve recently had a huge disappointment in my life. It was quite upsetting. Someone very close to me did not meet my expectations and, as a result, I was shocked and crestfallen.

None of us is exempt from life’s letdowns. Whether it is a relatively small issue like our child not studying and then failing a test or something much more serious like a teen regularly using drugs, disappointment is part-and-parcel of parenting.

So what are we to do when life and the people in it disappoint us? On the continuum of what the research says, I found on one end: “Wallow in your disappointment, do the necessary grieving, talk about it, air your feelings.” And on the other far end: “Venting is good but move on sooner rather than later, use the negative energy to seek out ways to shake it off, learn from this!”

Both of these ideas gave me good guidance about how to respond.  But there was one common reminder in all the advice that was key: I myself am not perfect and I surely, over the years, have disappointed others, including my children. This suggested that I could be more accepting of the “failures” of people in my life. Lesson learned.

Other lessons I’m learning:

  1. No one is perfect. Don’t expect them to be; it’s unrealistic and a set-up for disappointment.
  2. Do not ruminate on others’ imperfections. It’s not productive.
  3. Everyone makes mistakes. Period, case closed.
  4. Forgive. But….don’t forget. This doesn’t mean harboring perpetual resentment, but rather stepping back and looking for the lessons to be learned as well as any positives  to be gained from the situation.
  5. Talk, talk, talk to trusted friends and family or consider professional help. The research shows that it really helps.

Disappointment is complicated. It’s often about many other emotions, not just the disappointment itself: frustration, confusion, irritation, sadness, helplessness, surprise, to name just a few.

I’ve become a stronger person by learning ways to deal with my recent disappointment. This gives me hope that eventually, with time, patience, awareness, and work, I will feel better.

By Claire Gawinowicz, Certified Parenting Educator
Posted in A - Z Parenting Tips, Parents | 2 Comments

Be Like a Great President In Your Home

Posted on February 1, 2015 by Center for Parenting Education

Whenever you do a thing, act as if all the world were watching.
~Thomas Jefferson

Presidents’ Day conjures up visions of our country’s great leaders and their ability to guide our citizens during times of growth and plenty and during times of stress and great challenges. Oh, to have that level of influence! But wait…. You do — maybe not for the whole country, but for your own children.

As a parent, it is impossible to not be a role model. Your children are watching you and will see your example – positive or negative – as a pattern for the way life is to be lived. The old adage of “Do as I say, not as I do” simply does not work. This puts a lot of pressure and responsibility on you to do “the right thing” and to be very aware of your own behavior. For example, if you don’t want your child to spend much time on “screens,” then you need to put your cell phone down.

Here are some ways you can make sure that you put your best foot forward and be a role model that you will be proud to have your children emulate:

  • Take responsibility for your behavior by admitting your own mistakes and talking about how you can correct them. Do not blame things that go wrong on other people or circumstances.
  • Choose your words carefully. Your children are not only watching you; they are also listening to you. Consider how you speak to your children, your spouse, and other people in your life. For example, do you use harsh words and threats when your children misbehave or do you respond with discipline based on respect for your children’s humanity?
  • Show your children constructive ways to manage disagreement. For example, include your children in family discussions, and use these as ways to show them how people can work together. Getting upset or angry when a problem comes up teaches your children to respond in the same way. You can use problem-solving skills to deal with challenges or conflicts in a calm and productive manner.

The bottom line is, if you wish for your children to have certain traits, then you must do and be these things yourself! As Thomas Jefferson wisely noted, act as if you are being watched… because you are!

By Audrey Krisbergh, Certified Parenting Educator

 
<read more about being a healthy role model for your children

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What Triggers your Anger?

Posted on January 1, 2015 by Center for Parenting Education

“There are two things a person should never be angry at, what they can help, and what they cannot.”- Plato

ME (pregnant with my first child, talking to my wise, elderly Aunt Louise): “When my child is born he will be a good sleeper because my husband and I love to sleep.”

WISE, ELDERLY AUNT LOUISE: “Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.”

Oh, Aunt Louise, what a sage you were! You knew my love of sleep had little to do with the way my son would sleep.

But really, folks, I. Love. To. Sleep. So, when my kids were young, I was frequently sleep-deprived and very frequently cranky. I had to find ways to get some rest because, if I didn’t, I easily turned into the kind of parent I did not want to be – an angry one.

Our parental anger sometimes materializes because of an underlying issue within us that is simmering; not necessarily as a result of the actual behavior of the child. Lack of sleep was one of my main anger triggers. When I had a sleepless night, an innocuous act like my child spilling his juice at breakfast could turn me into a screaming shrew.

What are your anger triggers? Recognizing what makes you angry may help relieve some pent-up steam before an explosion erupts. Sleep-deprivation was just one of the underlying issues that made me angry; for you, it might be that you feel pulled in too many directions, have unrealistic expectations of yourself or your children, are under the weather, feel unappreciated, have been the target of someone else’s anger, etc.
Fortunately, there are ways to mitigate your anger:

  • take a time out so that you can calm down and gain perspective on the situation. Recent research suggests that often 20 seconds is all you need to engage the thinking part of your brain
  • learn about child development and what’s normal for what age so you can keep your expectations realistic
  • find ways to get some “you” time
  • consider which responsibilities you can let go of or how you can get help
  • attend parenting workshops or consider professional help such as talk therapy

While not always easy, exploring the underlying issues stewing beneath your anger can turn down the heat in your household. This awareness may not take the anger away, but it can dilute it, redirect it, and guide you to manage it. Aunt Louise would be proud!

By Claire Gawinowicz, Certified Parenting Educator

 

< for additional articles about anger

Posted in A - Z Parenting Tips, Anger | Leave a comment