Looking Back to Parent Forward

“Be the parent you wish you had.”

~ Dr. Louise Hart, Parenting Expert

 
Growing up with seven brothers and sisters was very lively; there was always someone to play with, holidays were rollicking events, and older siblings showed the younger ones the ropes. But because there were hardly any rules in our house, it was also quite chaotic.

It seems my parents did not know the best way to enforce the limits that we needed. So when they did try to keep us in line, they sometimes relied on shame, guilt, name-calling, and occasional mild swipes with the belt. Not ideal methods!

I loved my parents with all my heart and, of course, they loved us. They did the best they could considering their backgrounds and how they were raised, but I did not want to use their approach to discipline my own children. I felt there must be a better way than leaving kids without clear guidelines to follow or expectations to meet, and then harshly punishing them for crossing some arbitrary line.

Do any of the following statements reflect questions you have about how you were raised and how you want to raise your children?

• “When I was growing up, my parents were too strict. I don’t want to be that way.”
• “How can I get my children to listen to me without having to yell at them? I don’t want to make them feel bad like my parents did to me.”
• “My parents never corrected me when I was growing up. I felt like I had to raise myself. I want to give my kids more guidance, but I don’t know when I’m being too hard on them.”
• “What do I do if my husband and I don’t agree on how to discipline our children? We were brought up so differently.”

In general, people parent the way they were parented, unless they feel a need to do things differently. Taking a long, hard look at how you were raised is an important first step in choosing to change the child-rearing patterns established in your family. You can then decide what parts of your upbringing you cherish and want to repeat with your children and which you want to modify or discard.

While making these changes can be difficult and you may feel disloyal to your parents in the process, know that by doing so you are helping your kids to have the parents they need, want, and deserve.