The Center for Parenting Education

Just yesterday I was at the grocery store and I heard the following conversation between a mother and her first-grader:

Now, Suzie, I am sorry but you cannot buy any candy. It isn’t good for your body, which needs certain nutrients for you to grow big and strong. Plus sugar is not good for your teeth. If you eat that candy now, you won’t be hungry for dinner when we get home. . . .

All the while, Suzie was whining and complaining that she wanted to buy this special candy. Each point the mother made was countered with an argument from Suzie.

If you have ever found yourself in a situation like this one, you could benefit from this tip: Rather than give a long explanation, repeat a simple phrase.

Parents often find themselves trying to reason with their kids. If you say just the right thing, then perhaps your children will see the wisdom of your words. What happens more often than not, however, is that your children either tune you out or they use your words as ammunition to argue with you.

This mother could have simply said, “Sorry, Suzie. The rule is “No candy.’”

But wait, you say “Isn’t it important to teach our children and to help them understand the reasons for our rules and decisions?”

The answer is “yes” – with one condition. You must do your teaching at a time when your children are ready to be taught. When you are standing in the middle of a store and the candy is looming large, most kids are not ready to listen.

Ideally, you have already discussed the importance and reason for your rules when you set them. Then, if your children protest you can give them a quick reminder such as: “Remember we talked about how you need to eat healthy foods to grow strong. Our rule is “No candy purchases.’”

If your child continues to complain, you can restate the rule: “No candy.”

And, if in the course of your child’s tirade, you realize that you need to provide more information, you can tell your child: “We can discuss why it is important that you eat healthy foods when we get home. For now, the rule is no candy purchases.”

Remember, when emotions are running high, say less.

Loving parents who want their children to be successful and to reach their potential often err on the side of being over-protective and overly involved in their children’s struggles.

They go to extreme lengths to keep their children from experiencing any kind of failure.

If this sounds like something you can relate to, then you may benefit from today’s tip: Give your children the opportunity to face the natural consequences of their mistakes.

Assuming they will not be harmed physically or morally, children often learn important lessons from making mistakes. When you run interference by rescuing them and bailing them out, you deny them the opportunity to discover their own limits and talents, to figure out how to do things better the next time, and to solve problems.

For example, when you assume responsibility for your children getting their work done and act as a personal assistant, you deny them the opportunity to discover why it is important to meet obligations.

When you turn over responsibility to your children, they may initially miss some deadlines, but ultimately they will learn better time management and organizational skills as well as what happens when they fail to do what is expected of them.

This does not mean that you abandon your children. You can still:

• encourage them:
  “I’m sure you can figure this out.”
• offer support:
  “Let me know if you want to talk about this.”
• provide guidance:
  “What do you think will happen if you do this? What about if you try that?”

Remember, it can be more loving to let a child fail in the short term in order to let him grow in the long term. Life’s natural consequences are often the best teacher.