Talk to your Children about Sex

Posted on October 1, 2009 by admin

So that means that you and Dad did that twice.”
-Bridget Gawinowicz, age 5, after being told by her mom how babies are made (she has one brother).

It’s inevitable; The Question: “Mom, where did I come from?” If you are not sure about when or how to talk to your children about the birds and the bees, here are a few tips:

  • Give them the facts  – start early with short, age-appropriate conversations, adding levels of sophistication and detail as they maturity.
  • Use everyday events as conversation starters  – for instance, television ads.  I remember years ago, seeing an ad on TV that showed a happy little girl whirling around in a ballerina costume, then all of a sudden she was a sad pregnant teenager. Maybe not the best ad, but I knew what the underlying meaning was and I asked my daughter if she understood. It was a great conversation starter.
  • Create an open environment – kids these days know a lot about sex, but so much of it is misinformation. Letting our kids know that they can talk to us about anything not only makes them feel relaxed about talking to us, but we can give them accurate information. And just because you are talking about sex doesn’t mean you are condoning free sex. Actually the opposite is true  – keeping an open dialogue about sex gives you the opportunity to talk about your values.
  • No need to bare all of your facts – if they ask a question about your behavior, you don’t have to share your personal history, and, in fact, it is not always helpful to do so. Ask them why they are asking; their question may be a cue that something is bothering them.  Remember, you want the focus on them, not on you.  What you did in the past is less important to them than how they are going to deal with their lives now.

By Claire Gawinowicz, Certified Parenting Educator

Posted in A - Z Parenting Tips, Discussing Sex | Leave a comment

A Positive Spin on “Back to School”

Posted on September 1, 2009 by admin

We don’t need no education
We don’t need no thought control
No dark sarcasm in the classroom
Teachers leave them kids alone
Hey! Teacher! Leave them kids alone!

-Pink Floyd

Oh, the universal anxiety of the start of a new school year! Although some children may truly look forward to it, for others, lots of assistance from you may be necessary.

It can be helpful if you communicate to your children an attitude of optimism and enthusiasm about the upcoming year.  For example, you can say:

  • “It will be nice to see some of your school friends that you haven’t seen all summer.”
  • “Remember how much fun you had playing kickball at recess last year?”
  • “Remember at the beginning of school last year, you didn’t know anyone in your class and before you knew it you made some great friends?”
  • “Let’s make a list of some your favorite lunches and we’ll plan them out for the first week.”
  • “I heard Mrs. X allows lots of free time, singing, drawing, etc. in her classroom.”

When your children hear your confidence in them and in their ability to be successful and enjoy school, it can help them to overcome their fears and anxieties and set a positive tone for the whole year!

Claire Gawinowicz, Certified Parenting Educator

Posted in A - Z Parenting Tips, School Issues | Leave a comment

Improve your Parenting Batting Average

Posted on August 1, 2009 by admin

Excellence is to do a common thing in an uncommon way.
-Booker T. Washington

If you consider raising children a common thing, an innate talent, something not requiring extra training, then perhaps research from Oxford University will change your mind.  Researchers there say, “Teaching parents better ways of bringing up children is likely to improve the child’s behaviour.” The study concludes that parents who receive parenting education “report a drop in stress levels and an increase in improved parenting skills.”

“Most parents are pretty good parents,” says Laurence Steinberg, TempleUniversity psychologist.  “But I’ve never met a parent who is perfect 100 percent of the time. We all can improve our batting average.”
So while most of us try as hard as we can, it always helps to learn more.  As Steinberg says, “There is no more important job in any society than raising children, and there is no more important influence on how children develop than their parents.”

By Claire Gawinowicz,
Certified Parenting Educator

Posted in A - Z Parenting Tips, Parents | Leave a comment

Sibling Bliss???

Posted on July 1, 2009 by admin

It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.
-Dylan Thomas

I had my second child and our family seemed to be bucking the sibling rivalry trend.  My son would kiss his baby sister lovingly and laugh when she rolled around the floor cooing and giggling.  Then she started to walk.  I remember it like it was yesterday.  My son was quietly playing with Legos at his child’s table and my little angel ran up to the table, grabbed a Lego and with a devilish grin on her face ran off with it.  My son was shocked and immediately yelled, “Mom!”  It was the beginning of the end.

All families with more than one child experience sibling rivalry and it’s normal, but what can we do to lessen the intense feelings and forge healthy relationships among siblings? While the reasons for sibling rivalry are numerous and complicated, there are ways to survive it.  A few ideas are:

  • Instead of dismissing a child’s negative feelings about a sibling acknowledge the feelings  “You don’t like me spending so much time with the baby.”
  • Help children discharge their angry feelings safely “Draw me a picture of how angry you are.”
  •  Don’t give attention to the aggressor; attend to the injured party instead (this helps change behavior).
  • Learn about child development.

The sibling bond is not all bad  –  there can be sweet moments as well.  Try to savor them!

By Claire Gawinowicz,
Certified Parenting Educator

Posted in A - Z Parenting Tips, Sibling Rivalry | Leave a comment

Fathers Do Not Mother

Posted on June 1, 2009 by admin

“Fathers Do Not Mother” –
 Kyle D. Pruett, MD., Author of Fatherneed

Fathers and mothers typically have very different styles in how they approach the job of parenting.  They each provide their children with very different experiences and give them very different perspectives on the world.

Whereas mothers tend to nurture and protect their children, fathers are more likely to encourage exploration in the outside world. Even with infants or small children, fathers tend to hold the children facing forward to meet and greet the world, while mothers tend to hold the children facing inward or over their shoulders.  

When their children are struggling to learn a new skill such as tying shoes or riding a bicycle, mothers tend to jump in to assist more quickly. Fathers, on the other hand, allow children to experience greater frustration. Fathers, by holding back help and providing encouragement from the sidelines, offer their children the opportunity to persevere in the face of obstacles. If successful, children feel a great sense of accomplishment for having done it on their own.   
  
Fathers offer unique perspectives and experiences that are very valuable to children’s ability to function independently – they promote seeking out new and exciting situations, encourage creativity, and help children feel confident that they can solve the problems that they face. 
 
So, I for one, am glad that fathers do not mother!  I appreciate all that they add to our children’s lives and encourage dads to embrace their unique and special way of parenting.
   
Deb Cohen, Certified Parenting Educator
   
 
Posted in A - Z Parenting Tips, Fathers, Parents | Leave a comment

I think I can, I think I can – Empowering Children

Posted on May 1, 2009 by admin

As the little engine neared the top of the grade, which had so discouraged the larger engines, it went more slowly. However, it still kept saying, “I–think–I–can, I–think–I–can.” It reached the top by drawing on bravery and then went on down the grade, congratulating itself by saying, “I thought I could, I thought I could.”
~Children’s  Story

The Little Engine That Could listened to his inner voice.  Where did he get the ability to use his inner voice to accomplish his goals? Maybe from an older, wiser train who gave him some tools.  Here are some tools you can give your children to help them learn how to listen to their inner voice:  

1.  Choices. To a child a small choice represents an opportunity to exert some control over his own life. Do you want to take a bath now or wait until Mommy straightens up?  These small choices change as the child develops:  “Do you want to take out the garbage or sweep the floor?”  The idea is that they learn how to choose. When they are older and the stakes are higher, serious choices about fast driving, substance abuse, etc. have to be made and they will have learned how to make the right choice.
 
2.  Listening.  When we listen to children’s feelings we help them to problem-solve and encourage their self-reliance.  “Mom, I got invited to Sara’s party but I don’t really want to go.”   “Hmm, I wonder why you feel like you don’t want to go?”  Guide them through the decision-making process.  There will be times, however, when we may have to make a decision for them. “Mom, I’m not wearing my seatbelt.” “I’m sorry, honey, everyone in our family has to wear a seatbelt for safety.”  Some decisions are non-negotiable.  
     
3. Expressing themselves. If your child is passionate about something, allow them to feel what they feel.  If we deny their feelings, we are telling them that their feelings are not real. This discourages the inner voice. “I don’t want to play soccer, I like to draw.”  “Oh, you’d rather draw than play soccer.”
 
4.  Mistakes are not the end of the world. “Mom, I just spilled juice all over the kitchen floor.”  ”I’ll show you where the rags are and help you clean it up.” This is again based on age; a three-year-old can help you clean up her spill, an eight-year-old can probably clean it up herself. 
 
5. Be a role model.  The old adage “do as I say not as I do” is counter-intuitive. Children are very cognizant of actions we take in our everyday lives.  We need to develop a habit of listening to our own inner voices to make good decisions.
 
Not only is it rewarding for us to see our children make their own decisions, but it is also empowering for them to trust their own ability to solve problems. In this way, they won’t feel overwhelmed when they face life’s challenges.
 
 by Claire Gawinowicz,
Certified Parenting Educator
Posted in A - Z Parenting Tips, Self-Esteem | Leave a comment

Taming the Anger Monster in Children

Posted on April 1, 2009 by admin

“Do not teach your children never to be angry; teach them how to be angry.”                   

~ Lyman Abbott

Children get angry – it is normal.  There are many reasons for a child’s anger, such as underlying feelings of embarrassment, tiredness and frustration. The goal is not to eliminate anger but to help children express it in a healthy manner.

The first step is to listen to the child, then acknowledge the negative feelings and then direct the feelings into safe and appropriate outlets. 

Parent: “Time to turn the TV off and get to bed.”
Child:   “Nooooo, I don’t want to and I’m not going to bed now.”
Parent:  “You don’t like when you have to turn the TV off.”
Child:   “No, I don’t!”
Parent:  “It’s frustrating to have to leave your show in the middle.  We can go up to bed and read book- let’s see how many bunny hops it takes to get to your room.”

You’ve acknowledged the feelings, listened to the child’s emphatic “No!” and then came up with a solution that may physically work out the angry feelings as well as re-direct the child to the transition to bedtime.

Remember anger in humans, even little ones, is a normal emotion and learning how to manage it is a skill that lasts a lifetime. 

by Claire Gawinowicz
Parenting Educator
Posted in A - Z Parenting Tips, Anger | Leave a comment

Using Problems as Opportunities

Posted on March 1, 2009 by admin

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.  

– Homer Simpson 

 Given the financial condition of our country and of many families, this is the perfect time to teach your child about the importance of hard work and saving, and to give the little ones a short, age-appropriate talk about using money wisely.  You’ve got the world on your side – it’s not you being the ogre and saying ‘no’ when they want to buy things – it’s the global economic crisis!! 

Despite Homer Simpson’s underlying message to his son that playing the lottery is a good way to earn money, the truth is nothing comes for free -even though, when we use our credit cards, our children seem to think that things are free. So use the economic downturn as a teachable moment, imparting the values of thrift and hard work. 

As opposed to focusing on what you might not be able to give your children materially, you can use this challenging time as an opportunity to pass on important attitudes about money, responsibility, and accountability.  No need to incorporate the gloom and doom that’s heard all too often on the news.  You can simply teach your children to buy what they need and not what always everything they want.  This will be an important lesson they will use for the rest of their lives. 

As the “real” Homer said, “Wisdom never lies.”

by Claire Gawinowicz
Parenting Educator

 

Posted in A - Z Parenting Tips, Overindulgence/Gratitude | Leave a comment

Alternatives to “No”

Posted on February 1, 2009 by admin

Kids tend to dig in their heels if they hear the word ’no’ all the time, so you’ll want to come up with all kinds of creative ways to steer clear of the dreaded word.  Instead of telling your child what not to do (No jumping on the bed), tell him what to do (Jump on the floor). Not only does this technique allow you to avoid saying ‘no’, but it also increases the impact of your message by giving your child a specific action to follow.”
-Ann Douglas author of The Mother of all Parenting Books: The Ultimate Guide to Raising a Happy, Healthy Child from Preschool through the Preteens

Other examples of Alternatives to NO:
Child:   Can I eat the candy Aunt Franny gave me for Valentine’s Day? 
 Parent: Yes, after dinner.
  

And for older children:
Child:    Mom, can I stay over at Tom’s house tonight?
Parent: Hmm, let me think it over and I’ll let you know. 

This doesn’t mean you can never say no; of course you can.  But a steady diet of ‘no’ may make our kids tune us out or perhaps carry out the behavior without asking because they expect a ‘no’  is coming.
There are alternatives to ‘no’ that still allow us to protect, set limits, reinforce rules, or stop unwanted behavior.  Be inventive. Stop yourself before you say ’no’ and try to think of ways to put a positive spin on a negative word.

by Claire Gawinowicz
Certified Parenting Educator

Posted in A - Z Parenting Tips, Discipline | Leave a comment

Resolutions: Why it can be good not to keep them

Posted on January 1, 2009 by admin

Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average which means, you have met your New Year’s resolution.
-Jay Leno

 

I like the way Jay Leno thinks.  So I’m giving you permission to not worry about resolutions.  Do you ever feel like you have to justify the fact that you are not setting goals?  Do you sometimes feel guilty that you are doing nothing? 

Well, if the weather is lousy, and you and the kids are hunkered down eating cookies, doing nothing educational or productive, and everybody seems content, then relax and enjoy it.  For that day, don’t feel compelled to go ice skating, play hockey or do indoor aerobics.  In fact, you can turn this into a New Year’s Un-resolution: For one day a month you can make it your goal to have a “nothing” day (even though we all know it is a “something” day because it will re-charge your batteries and give you an intimate, stress-free day with your kids).  This, I say, is admirable and you are to be commended for it!
Happy New Year!!

by Claire Gawinowicz
Certified Parenting Educator

Posted in A - Z Parenting Tips, Parents | Leave a comment