Partnering in Parenting

Posted on August 1, 2010 by admin

If we are together, nothing is impossible. If we are divided, all will fail.

– Winston Churchill

Okay, so we may not be talking about the survival of western civilization, but the survival of our individual families is no less at risk if we don’t find ways to work together.

In the day-to-day hubbub of life, it is easy to get caught up in all our have-to’s and to view our parenting as one more task on our never-ending “to-do” list.  But if we can take a step back and look at the bigger picture, we can see that underlying it all is the quality of our relationships with our parenting partners and our children.  When we work together, we can garner support, overcome obstacles, and grow in the process.

Some things you can do to build these parenting relationships include:

  • Make time to talk (in private, not in front of the kids) about parenting issues.
  • Work to understand the other person’s viewpoint and reasons behind their beliefs.
  • Try to work out a compromise that meets everyone’s needs.
  • If not, you can agree to disagree.  If the disagreement is over a less important issue, you can have two sets of rules – for example, if a child is generally a good eater, then you may say, “When mom is in charge, no treats before dinner. When dad is in charge, you can have one.”
  • If the issue is more important, you can choose to select one method and agree to support each other.  This works particularly well if an issue is more important to one partner than the other.
  • Watch our two-part narrated presentation on Team Parenting on our website. Click here>

By Deb Cohen
Certified Parenting Educator

Posted in A - Z Parenting Tips, Co-parenting, Parents | Tagged | Leave a comment

All Kids are “One of a Kind”

Posted on July 1, 2010 by admin

“Today you are You, that is truer than true.
There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”

-Dr. Seuss

As a new parent, I did not really understand what Dr. Seuss meant.  I naively expected my children to fit a pre-conceived mold, partly because I was not aware of the concept of temperament, which is what makes your child who he or she is.

I remember taking my four-year-old son to the township soccer tryouts. I was puzzled and very upset when he had no interest in trying out; he preferred to play in the big mound of dirt on the far side of the field away from all the other kids. I tried coaxing him onto the field because I thought all kids liked soccer. But he was much happier focusing intently on the dirt; drawing designs with a stick, quietly enjoying his solitude. I didn’t realize it but that was his temperament showing.

So what did I wish I knew at the time?

  • Temperament is inborn – trying to change it will only result in everyone being frustrated.
  • Each child in the family may be different  – your first-born may be quiet and contemplative while  your second may be more interested in being the neighborhood social director.
  • If your child marches to a different drummer let him, so long as no one gets hurt.
  • Set limits, but keep your child’s temperament in mind when doing so. There are effective management techniques that will work better with different temperaments.
  • Know yourself – pay attention to how your own temperament may interact with your child’s.

By Claire Gawinowicz
Certified Parenting Educator

Posted in A - Z Parenting Tips, Temperament | Leave a comment

Summer Afternoons

Posted on June 1, 2010 by admin

Summer afternoon – summer afternoon; to me those have always been the two most beautiful words in the English language.

~Henry James

Yes, Henry James did have children. So why did he think summer afternoons were so beautiful? My recollection of summer afternoons is my children whining:  I’m bored; No, I don’t want to go out and play, I want to watch TV; I’m hungry. I often felt pressured to entertain my kids and to stop the whining by being the camp counselor in my own home. If you are you dreading those beautiful summer afternoons, consider the following:

  1. Richard Carlson, Ph.D., in his book Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff says when kids whine, I’m bored, try responding with, “Great, be bored for a while.  It’s good for you.”  Carlson says that sometimes kids’  minds, just like their bodies, need an occasional break from stimulation. When you allow your mind to take a break, it comes back stronger, sharper, more focused and creative.
  2. Re-frame “just doing nothing” as something positive and good for your children as opposed to being merely a waste of time. David Elkind in his book, The Hurried Child, laments that children nowadays are not allowed their childhoods; they are pressured and rushed to perfect skills, achieve, and “ strive for some goal which will further their development.”  Like Carlson, he feels that children need many opportunities and much time for free, unstructured play in order to grow and develop in a healthy and balanced way.
  3. Barbara Coloroso, in her book Kids Are Worth It, states that “we as adults are often uncomfortable with being alone, quiet and reflective.”  If we see our child sitting quietly, we may encourage her to play or to find someone to do something with. In our society, quiet and solitary contemplation is not encouraged or valued.  And yet, for children to grow in inner discipline and to get to know and like themselves, they need time to be alone and be still.

With this new perspective in mind, it may be possible for parents to take a more relaxed view of summer vacation, and to feel comfortable in just letting their children be.  We do not always have to find entertainment for our children and, in fact, we will actually help them by encouraging them to be alone, quiet and still for periods of time.  Appreciating boredom may make this the best summer ever!

By Claire Gawinowicz
Certified Parenting Educator

Posted in A - Z Parenting Tips, Seasonal: Winter, Spring, Summer, Fall | Tagged , | Leave a comment

Honoring Mothers

Posted on May 1, 2010 by admin

“A critical factor in a child’s well-being is the serenity of his mother. We need to be compassionate toward ourselves, both for the good of our children and for our own good as well.”

From The Price of Privilege by Madeline Levine

Serenity in motherhood may seem unattainable; in part because of the messages society sends women to be the “perfect” Mom. Then we discover that we are not perfect and we feel guilty. While it may not be possible to eliminate all guilt, it may help to recognize that you don’t have to be the ideal parent and that doing your best is good enough.

In addition to cutting yourself some slack, there are other ways to attain some serenity as a Mom in our stressful culture. One way is to nurture yourself; it is a way to invest in the welfare of your whole family.

And, yes, Moms, caring for yourself is doable.  Maybe not in the same ways you did before you were a mother, but in new ways, like lying down on the sofa for a short rest, going outside to sit in the sun for ten minutes while your child naps, or asking a trusted friend or relative to babysit while you go to the library to read a couple of magazines. (I personally like to take time out to watch my favorite comedians on YouTube.)

We cannot give our children our best if we are tired, depleted, and defeated; nor can we model for them the importance of self-care if we don’t take care of ourselves. It is not selfish to get nurtured as a parent; take care of yourself so that you will be more giving, helpful, and loving to the people around you.

By Claire Gawinowicz
Certified Parenting Educator

Posted in A - Z Parenting Tips, Parents | Tagged , | Leave a comment

Tips for Living with a Toddler

Posted on April 1, 2010 by admin

Without definite, firm, effective limit-setting from a parent, a child is pushed to find limits for himself. That’s hard and often scary.

T. Berry Brazelton

“In this house, we do not call names.”
“Do not pull the cat’s whiskers, pet her gently.”
“You may have an apple before dinner, not a cookie.”

These “limit setting” statements give children a feeling of safety and security and help children understand what to do and what not to do.

Young children are impulsive, resist their parents as a way to feel like they are separate from them, are easily frustrated, and can be demanding. Parenting is the hardest job in the world and can put many stresses and strains on us. Since our expectations of life with children may not always be realistic, learning about child development can help you understand what to expect from your children, so that you don’t take challenging behavior personally.

Following are some healthy and effective ways you can set limits to keep your toddler safe and still allow him a level of independence:

  • DO give two “yesses” for every “no” -”You may not throw the ball in house. You may roll it on the floor or throw it outside.”
  • DO state the rule, “In our family, we don’t hit. When you are angry, use your words. ” If necessary, DO repeat the rule, “The rule is no hitting.”
  • DO stay calm, even if you don’t feel it.
  • DO use timeouts “ the idea is to separate the child from the situation, help them to calm down, and come up with a plan to reenter the situation. It is not meant to punish the child.
  • DON’T  hit or spank, call names, threaten or bribe, blame or shame.

Limit Setting is a way to help children curb their impulses and when done in a healthy way, it contributes to healthy self-esteem and self-reliance.
by Claire Gawinowicz
Certified Parenting Educator

Posted in A - Z Parenting Tips, Discipline | Tagged , | Leave a comment

An Attitude of Gratitude

Posted on March 1, 2010 by admin

“There must be more to life than having everything”
-By Maurice Sendak

It can seem at times that children today are more materialistic and expect that more and more be done for them rather than feeling grateful for what they have.  We live in a culture that encourages spending, buying, instant gratification, superficial values, and quick answers rather than persistence in overcoming obstacles and learning to deal with frustration.

A Tip for Combatting Over-indulgence:
Teaching your children to understand the concept of “enough” is one of the very important, yet simple, things you can do to counteract tendencies toward wanting too much and to encourage a feeling of satisfaction.  The concept of “enough” can be taught informally over many years as situations arise.  For example:

  • You have had enough cookies already.  You can have a carrot or an apple.
  • You have watched enough TV today.  You can read a book or go outside to play.
  • After we get your jacket and jeans, we will see if there is enough money left for the sneakers you want.
  • You’ve been out with your friends for enough time this weekend.  Now you need to spend time at home because we haven’t seen enough of you lately.

by Claire Gawinowicz
Certified Parenting Educator

Posted in A - Z Parenting Tips, Overindulgence/Gratitude | Tagged | Leave a comment

Bullying and Teasing Tips

Posted on February 1, 2010 by admin

“I became shy because I was overweight. At 16 I was 182 pounds and was called ‘Blubber.’ It was pathetic and childish, but girls are so catty. It lasted for about two years. Eventually, I must have told my mother, and she took it up with the teachers.”
~Kate Winslet, actress

As the mom of a child who was bullied in elementary and middle school, I know the heartache and pain it can cause. I also learned the importance of helping your child through it so that they can have a better sense of security at school and greater self-confidence.

Listen to your child’s complaints, fears and concerns with empathy and respect and let them know you believe them and support them.

Do not blame your child. Let your child know you will be there to help.

Don’t overreact. Take the time to calmly get the facts. Don’t immediately rush in and get involved; it may not be necessary. The child may be able to handle the situation alone with some coaching from you about how to respond effectively but non-violently.

Talk to your child about when he should come to you or another trusted adult if the bullying continues. Sometimes the child thinks this is tattling; discuss the difference between tattling and telling (your guidance counselor can be a tremendous resource in this regard).

Work with your child’s teachers to make sure your child is safe (sometimes your child will object to you doing this, but after you’ve exhausted other measures, it can be extremely helpful).

Interestingly, there are other celebrities who have spoken about the bullying they received in school (Michael Phelps, Tyra Banks, Miley Cyrus, Rob Pattison, Tom Cruise), which proves children can overcome the bullying and rise above obstacles.

By Claire Gawinowicz
Certified Parenting Educator

Posted in A - Z Parenting Tips, Bullying | Tagged | Leave a comment

Understanding Your Teen

Posted on January 1, 2010 by admin

“The two worlds, the one inhabited by the adult and the one by the teenager, can intersect in a way that can truly enliven and enlarge the perspective of both.”

~ Ellen Galinsky, The Six Stages of Parenthood

What’s fun about parenting a teen??? They criticize our every move, don’t want to be seen with us, are embarrassed by us, don’t want to spend time with us, would rather be with their friends than with us, and challenge our dearly-held values.  Just having them around us can batter our self-esteem! But despite the bad press teens get, they can be delightful, fun, passionate, and energetic, and bring new life and new perspectives to a family.  So, what can parents do to make day-to-day life with their teen a bit more enjoyable?

Understand Their World

We need to understand what our teens are going through. One of the tasks of adolescence is distinguishing themselves from their parents. Remember that separating, while sometimes hard for parents to take, is part of teens doing their job of growing up, maturing and finding out who they are. Their criticism of you is usually more about them becoming their own person than it is about you as an individual, so try not to take it to heart.

Continue to Share Your Values With Them

They may roll their eyes when you tell them what you think about things, but they really do care  Instead of rigidly imposing your values, look for ways to influence your teen, such as modeling the behavior you’d like them to emulate.  Pick some rules that you can let go of; hold firm to rules that reflect your core values (for example: safety, trustworthiness, etc.).

Being a teen is complicated, as is parenting a teen. But it doesn’t have to be all negative. Learn more about this intricate time in your child’s life by checking out articles about adolescence in our Resource Library on our website.

By Claire Gawinowicz
Certified Parenting Educator

Posted in A - Z Parenting Tips, Teens | Tagged , | Leave a comment

Over-indulgence: Too Much of a Good Thing

Posted on December 1, 2009 by admin

All I really need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.  
-Peanuts character, Lucy

  
Lucy is correct when she says it is okay to overindulge once in a while. For instance, during the holidays we may tend to “overdo” with our children. But a steady diet of this excess can create a sense of entitlement and affect their ability to learn many of the important life skills they need to thrive as adults. What’s the difference between overindulgence and healthy, nurturing parenting?  

Overindulgence may include:   
  •  inundating children with material things or experiences
  • doing things for your children that they could do for themselves.
  • not holding your children accountable for their behavior.
Healthy parenting behavior includes:   
  • encouraging your children to be actively engaged in productive activities
  • not over-protecting by rescuing them from their responsibilities or by making excuses for them.
  • spending time with your children more than spending money on them.
  • actively listening to their wants.
  • teaching them to distinguish between wants and needs.
  • holding your children accountable for their behavior.
  • helping your child to become an educated and critical consumer. 

Healthy doses of structure, limits, and expectations lead to self-reliance, high self-esteem, and a healthy relationship between parents and children (and a little chocolate every once in a while doesn’t hurt either). 

by Claire Gawinowicz
Certified Parenting Educator
Posted in A - Z Parenting Tips, Overindulgence/Gratitude | Leave a comment

Responsibility vs. Entitlement

Posted on November 1, 2009 by admin

Few things help an individual more than to place responsibility upon him, and to let him know that you trust him. 
-Booker T. Washington

 

Placing responsibility on our children enhances their self -esteem by giving them a sense of accomplishment and showing them that we trust that they are capable of meeting their obligations.  It is also an effective way to discourage a sense of entitlement in which children expect that everything will be done for them instead of learning to do things for themselves. Here are some ways for parents to encourage responsibility and raise self-esteem: 

-Assign chores. Make the chores age appropriate; a 3 year old can pick up toys and put them in a basket; a 6 year old can help set and clear off the dinner table; a 9 year old can dust the furniture.

-Hold children accountable for their behavior. Help children understand both the positive and negative consequences of their behavior. For instance, if they do their homework before they go out to play then they can stay out longer. That would be a positive consequence. It helps them understand the ramifications of their choices.

– Resist the temptation to do too much for your kids. While we want to help them we must allow them to do things themselves. You can’t learn to walk if someone is holding you up all the time. We have to allow our children to fall down a few times. As long as it’s not a safety issue (like letting them cross the street without your guidance) then giving them the chance to learn for themselves is a good thing.

By Claire Gawinowicz, Certified Parenting Educator

Posted in A - Z Parenting Tips, Overindulgence/Gratitude, Self-Esteem | Leave a comment