The Center for Parenting Education

Harrowing Happiness: The First Month 

So we got through the first few weeks. We made a semi-load of mistakes but we survived and the kids thrived. We win! After the first few days, we decided that if a mistake didn’t end in blood or fire, it was totally fine. We’d fix whatever the problem was the next time around.  

Our twins are one month old today. They are mostly clean and usually fed on time. I haven’t divorced my husband yet and I’ve partially reclaimed the lower half of my body. Most days I feel like I almost certainly don’t suck as a mom.

 
Here are a few observations from the newborn trenches:

Will they like me? Will I like them? And, if not, can we send them back for a refund?
The anticipation surrounding meeting your baby is intense. Much is written about the importance of bonding, and more than a few new parents are anxious because they don’t feel “bonded” immediately. 

I was one of those nervous moms concerned about bonding as soon as they slid out of my body. In reality, when they were lifted out of my body, I was too busy vomiting to hold them. “Holy hell,” I thought, “I missed my big moment! My one chance! We were screwed! My first act of motherhood and everything was f**ked! No sense in even taking them home! We will never love one another! Waiter, check please!”
 
Thankfully, that’s not how bonding works. A month into parenthood and I can assure you that bonding not only happens but it will happen in the most unexpected moments:

• When they make eye contact for the first time and really see you.
• When they snuggle on your chest so sweetly and then pee all over you.
• When you’ve been holding him for three hours and he finally decides to quiet down and you two enjoy your first quiet waltz together in the glow of the Winnie the Pooh night light.

Not only will bonding happen when it’s right for you two (or three or four), your bond will strengthen continually as your love for one another grows throughout your lives. At least, that’s what I’ve been promised.

The first night of the rest of your life.
Sleeplessness and physical exhaustion are considered forms of torture for a reason – they fray the mind and break the spirit. Not only was I exhausted after labor and delivery but I was also nauseous. As a result, I spent the first night of my children’s lives alternately trying to breastfeed them while not vomiting on them. This proved to be a difficult balancing act which made our first night miserable. Unless you’re giving birth at home, many facilities offer the choice of either in-room (keeping the babies with you) care or nursery care. We opted for in-room care because we were so excited to finally meet the twins that we couldn’t bear the thought of being separated so soon. We should have beared the thought. After delivery, not only was I sick and exhausted but my partner was stressed and exhausted. Having a night, or even a partial night, to sleep and recoup would have allowed us to take better care of the kids and enjoy them more during their first week of life. 
 

Help!
We had a tremendous amount of assistance from family and friends. From holding the babies to doing our laundry and cooking our meals, they made our lives livable. I highly recommend making sure you have a support system in-place prior to the birth. As it was, when my parents arrived a week after the birth, my mom said that we already looked like refugees from some third world country who hadn’t eaten or bathed in months. Sometimes, the best help comes from those who are not interested in doing the “baby thing.” They can cook, clean, do laundry, run errands, and basically make sure that your life remains functional.

These are the Days of our Lives
Unfortunately, life is not a soap opera. Never have I had occasion to wear a sequined ball gown at noon or slap a devilishly manipulative spray-tanned older man.  However, a Susan Lucci-sized sinkhole has appeared in  my emotional landscape due to post-pregnancy hormones. Multiple times a day I have the heated impulse to break glassware while swearing. Whether triggered by screaming infants, a trying-to-be-helpful husband, or nothing at all – I come close to turning our family into a daytime melodrama. The top three solutions to Lucci-itis that I’ve found are: 

• To calmly narrate all of my actions especially when they’re crying. Talking to babies is not only recommended by doctors to help build language skills but it helps me focus on what I’m doing and reassure both myself and the kids that everything really is fine. For example: (in low tones to a screaming infant) “I’m just changing your diaper. I know it’s cold and icky to have someone wipe your tush but you’re going to feel so much better and you won’t be stinky anymore. Let’s sing the ABCs until we’re done.” (singing commences).
• To put the twins down somewhere safe and head to the bathroom. I flip on the fan, enjoy the whir of white noise, and sitting alone in my own space for a few minutes. Maybe even read a favorite magazine. If there’s time and someone else can watch the kids, a quick walk around the neighborhood also helps. A bit of peace and quiet allows me to regain perspective, and reign in my temper, resulting in a calmer mom and happier babies.
• Create a play list of gentle music that we like and compiled a stack of books that we enjoy reading. During the first few weeks of life, we were in survival mode. We listened to music and read aloud to get us through the long nights. What we discovered was that the twins didn’t much care what we listened to/read to them as long as the music was gentle and our voices were soft. So, we listened to music that we like and read from books that we enjoy. This approach makes the nights shorter and less painful for us because we have something to focus on that we like, and still allows us to soothe our infants. There’s plenty of time for nursery rhymes and lullabies but by preserving shreds of our sanity at night, the days also became easier and we are figuring out a manageable routine.

These are the few things that have kept us somewhat sane through the craziness of the twin’s first month.  I know every week, every day, every hour is different and brings new challenges.  I will keep you posted.

Jailbreak: Labor & Delivery

Yuck. Blah. Ugh. Gnarly. Argh!

Seriously y’all, labor and delivery is really, really gross. What sane creature reproduces this way? Maybe all the pain and goo is a sign that Mother Earth, God, the Flying Spaghetti Monster – whomever – is trying to evolve our asses out of existence.

I mean, intellectually, I knew there were two babies growing inside of me but seeing them pulled out of my own body was surreal.

And the babies emerged looking like heroin addicts desperately in need of a fix. Cute heroin addicts, of course.

Through the rose-colored glasses of memory many describe the day of the children’s birth as miraculous – ours was too, but it was also pretty gooey and grim.

Our twins were born seven pounds each. (Ouch! And ouch again!) We had to evict them via C-section; evidently, they were happy to hang out in a warm, dark place with room service for the rest of their little lives.  Perhaps at some later date I will have words of inspiration or insight about the experience. But right now, exhausted and babied out, I just recommend getting through it the best that you can. Vaginal birth or C-section, drugs or natural, at home or in the hospital or at a birthing center – be confident in whatever you realize that you need to do in the moment.

When we discovered that we needed a C-section, our original ideas about birth were kaput; the iTunes playlist that we carefully curated, the initial skin-to-skin contact, the massages and stretches that we practiced – we didn’t use any of them. However, having an idea of how we wanted our birth to go led me to be more calm leading up to the big day which was great for both my partner and me. In the end, the C-section went smoothly and we had two beautiful, healthy babies.

I could spend time obsessing about the “woulda’, coulda’, shoulda’”s of our twins’ birth, but who has the time and energy to waste on that? I’m breastfeeding two kids! And healing from birth! And occasionally considering divorcing my husband…but that’s a topic for another day.

• Natural versus Epidural
• Birthing Pool versus Hospital Bed
• Bottle versus Breast
• Formula versus Breast Milk
• And on and on and on…

The terror in Jaws is nothing compared to the verbal and emotional slaughter involved in fights with friends and family over how you will deliver and feed your infant. Seriously, blood in the water would be more fun than these conversations. Great armies of child raising experts seem to think that you’re out to screw up your kid before you can even push her out. (And they must be right: they’ve authored best selling books!)

However, the reality is that many of these decisions are out of your control. From how you deliver…

I wanted natural childbirth but due to preeclampsia had an emergency c-section.

I wanted an epidural but the baby came too fast.

I wanted to give birth in a birthing center but we found out we’re having multiples and no one will take us.

…to how you feed…

I was militant about breastfeeding for the entire first year. I practically had “No Bottles Allowed” tattooed across my chest. But my preemie daughter was taken directly to the NICU and needed special feedings. Once she was released from the hospital, I tried to force her to breastfeed only but found that she was much happier with a combination of breast and bottle feedings. I was disappointed at first, but splitting the time between breast and bottle feedings made the breast feedings feel more intimate and special. Plus, my husband got some quality bonding time by feeding her, too.

I was so exhausted from labor and had such terrible baby blues that each breastfeeding became more and more frustrating. He had trouble latching on and then, when he did, I felt like he was sucking the life out of me. Using the pump was no better. As I became more angry and agitated, he starting sleeping less and became increasingly fussy. I dreaded feeding him and sometimes didn’t even want to pick him up. My husband tried to console me but we would only end up fighting. The switch to formula saved our family. We were all happier and healthier for it.

I’m a working mom and decided to bottle feed formula from the beginning to make it an easier adjustment for us all when I went back to work. But when I was holding my son after birth, he just found my boob and started sucking. We both enjoyed the experience so much that I decided to breastfeed as well as pump so he could have my breast milk when I was at work.

…there’s no way to know what’s going to work for you and your family until the baby arrives.

My friend Jenn* was so upset that her little girl’s birth and first feeding didn’t go as planned that she spent the first few weeks of her baby’s life feeling guilty and angry. She had trouble seeing the baby without thinking about everything that had gone “wrong” and how her baby’s life was “ruined.”  Not only did this perspective put additional stress on her and her partner but it delayed the bonding and enjoyment she could have gotten out of the first days of her daughter’s life. Luckily, she had a great support system to help her recognize that, in reality, nothing had gone “wrong” and no one’s life was “ruined.” She and the baby were healthy and the baby, at least, was happy. Jenn’s expectations (along with some pretty strong hormones) blinded her to what was most important – that she was the healthy mom of a joyful infant. Once she let go of her guilt and anger, she began enjoying being a new mom and created a strong bond with her gorgeous daughter.

I think that we make plans regarding birth and feeding to help us feel in control of a situation that’s pretty scary and outside the realm of our control. We need The Plan. It’s our guiding light in a sea of darkness – life and death are inextricably linked so when we’re having babies, we’re fantastically close to the beauty of creating new life but also frighteningly close to death and the realization of our own mortality. In the end, you do whatever keeps you and your babies safe and healthy, and that doesn’t always follow an expected plan. Yet, because we’ve spent so much time making and honing our plans, not following them feels like a failure and can negatively impact our early interactions with our newborns.

Think about changing the words “Birth Plan” to “Birth Idea” and “breast/bottle feeding or die” to “breast/bottle feeding option” in your mind.  Consider reading about alternative ways that you don’t expect to deliver or feed, just so you are informed in case you have to change plans quickly. (The book From the Hips by Rebecca Odes and Ceridwen Morris has great, non-judgmental information on all of the options available.) That way, it might be easier to keep a more positive perspective when every expectation isn’t fulfilled, and create a healthier and happier new home for you family.

While there are a lot of ideas on what’s “best” in terms of delivery and feeding, the truth is that what works best for you and your family is what’s best. Mozart and MLK, Ghandi and Catherine the Great, Shakira and Shakespeare and Siddhārtha – all born and raised in different circumstances, all turned out just fine.

(*Name changed)

I learned how babies are made when a family friend got pregnant and I refused to accept any of the traditional explanations offered to young children:

• She has a baby in her tummy. (“Why did she eat it?”)
• The stork is coming with the baby. (“Why does she want a baby bird?”)
• When two people love each other… (“But they fight all the time.”)

Finally, my mom told me about pregnancy and I was completely grossed out. So I decided that when I had a baby, instead of giving birth, I would just get her from Sesame Street where all of the Muppets lived. Because what could possibly be better than having a Muppet baby? Problem solved.

That was literally my expectation…for years. I was going to be the mother of the next Super Grover.

Although my doctor recently informed me that I am not going to be the mother of the next Super Grover (Boo!), being pregnant has come with a slew of new expectations. Here are a few of them:

Third Trimester Free Time

I had a list, y’all. A long, well-considered, awesomely productive but not overwhelming list of what I was going to accomplish during the third trimester after I stopped working.  (Okay, I’ll wait for those of you who are already parents to stop laughing.)

Unfortunately, during these final weeks I’ve only had the energy to be productive a few hours each day. Between carrying around the extra weight (my twins had a growth spurt), my body warming up for labor, and my mind just generally wandering, I’ve been forced to realize that completing my list is no longer a reality. Mostly, I’m drinking smoothies and watching old episodes of Scandal and Peep Show.

I’m exceedingly glad that my parents visited during the second trimester and we set up the nursery and baby-proofed the house. Now, my husband and I can relax and spend these last days hanging out with each other and my stepdaughter before the infant-blitz hits.

Other friends had their third trimesters cut short by premature labor, bed rest, and other unavoidable complications. So, just so you know, you might not have as much time as you think.

What will the kids be like?

I have this fantasy: Lincoln Center. Sold out performance. The audience shifts in their seats with anticipation. The house goes dark. There’s deafening applause. My twin music prodigies, all of 15 years old, appear on stage. They play a beautiful concert (her on the violin, him on the piano) and bow. Then they point to me. A spotlight falls on my returned-to-pre-pregnancy shaped body encased in a chic evening gown. Everyone turns towards me and applauds.

When I tell my husband this fantasy, he asks, “Am I there?” I say, “Of course you are there. The kids are pointing at us.

In my mind, I’m thinking: “Nope, it’s all about me.” But I don’t tell him that. I don’t want to hurt his feelings.

I love thinking about what the twins will be like; sometimes drawing inferences from what music I’m listening too or what food I’m eating when they move. However fun these excursions into expectation are, I know that they probably won’t match the reality of life with twins.

Reality is where the Center (https://centerforparentingeducation.org/) comes in handy. It’s been a great resource for us when it comes to my stepdaughter and I am glad that it will be there with practical, real world solutions as our twins grow up.

But, for now, it’s just the twins and I amid thunderous applause at Lincoln Center. Maybe my husband’s in the bathroom.

The Expectations of Others

Amy’s* mother-in-law had her decorator mock-up a few possible nurseries for her future grandchildren. The decorator emailed Amy the designs, and they sent us into fits of hysterical laughter. Amy and her mother-in-law clearly had different expectations. Not one of her mother-in-law’s ideas was actually functional – there was a modernist all white nursery with a boxy rocker, a retro ‘70s nursery filled with pillows but little else, and a blindingly bright Pepto-Bismol pink explosion of a nursery in all its’ pastel sateen glory. While her mother-in-law was sincerely trying to be helpful, we both know that placing form over function in a nursery is probably not a good idea. However, we managed to find a few elements in the designs that my friend actually liked. That way, she could sincerely thank her mother-in-law for the ideas, and truthfully tell her that they were being incorporated into the nursery, but didn’t have to commit to any singular design. The approach worked and she and her mother-in-law continue to enjoy a friendly relationship.

Amy and I found that balancing everyone else’s expectations can be tricky but that mostly people are just trying to help. By finding humor in the sublime to the ridiculous, we’ve been able to relieve a lot of the pressure of others’ expectations and focus on what we feel is important for our families.

Babies (the documentary) & The First Year

I find it easy to get wrapped up in worrying about the babies’ first year. (Will they meet all of their developmental milestones? Will I be able to breastfeed as long as I want to?) The documentary Babies follows the first year of life of four babies being raised in different cultures around the world.  Seeing a true diversity of how babies live during the first year helped me tweak my expectations. I think that what they really need – food, love, shelter, warmth – we’ll be able to give.

Postpartum Depression

I don’t think anyone expects to suffer from postpartum depression. However, 11-18% of new mothers experience it (according to a 2010 survey by the CDC). Consider sitting down with your partner and discussing the symptoms of postpartum depression now. That way, if it strikes, your partner can quickly identify the symptoms and contact your OB-GYN. Your doctor can look for signs and diagnose you so that you can get immediate help. There’s no shame suffering from postpartum depression; you’ve been through an amazing yet daunting experience over the past year, and might just need some help healing from it.

Post-Delivery Expectations

Straight from the new parents’ mouths…

“I expected to spend third trimester crafting up room decor, blankets and clothes. I got hit with really bad carpel tunnel, from swelling/poor circulation or whatever. I had to wear wrist braces and even then, I was in constant, miserable pain that kept me up and woke me up at night. My forearms/hands functioned as paddles. Cutting with scissors, sewing, was impossible. I was very disappointed, and stressed out that I wouldn’t be able to hold my baby. It took about two months post partum for it to wear off.” –Jennifer

“During pregnancy I was expecting to be very busy once the baby was born. Turns out I did not have much to do for a while.” –David

“My husband had more expectations than I did. Finally, near the end, he was getting frustrated because he didn’t think I was “nesting” and therefore the baby would be late. He was nesting enough for the both of us though! He got morning sickness and back pain, I think he gained some weight too, and all the while, I just felt fine. The labor and delivery got me though; I didn’t expect it to be that bad. I had back labor and the baby got stuck, ended up with an emergency c-section, and postpartum depression. Luckily, my baby was just perfect and I could at least smile when I looked at her!” –Carla

(*Name changed)