The Center for Parenting Education

The only man who behaves sensibly is my tailor; he takes my measurements anew every time he sees me while all the rest go on with their old measurements and expect me to fit them.

-         George Bernard Shaw

My son was exceptionally quiet as a child, so quiet that his kindergarten teacher thought there was something wrong with him. He did not fit into the outgoing, skipping-on-the-playground kind of child. At my first teacher conference that year, his teacher questioned his quietness. I explained to her that for him it’s perfectly normal. She was an older teacher, and in her wisdom, gave me a simple suggestion that helped me and my son throughout his student career. She suggested that at the beginning of every school year I talk to each teacher about my son and who he is.  It was a great suggestion. The teachers appreciated it and my son benefited from it as well.

Does your child have an area in which he or she may need extra help at school? Communicate that to the teacher so you can give your child a head start to drive success all year long. Here are a few suggestions on how to communicate information to your child’s teacher:

• Ask when it is most convenient for the teacher to talk (when you drop your child off in the morning or pick up after school may not be the best time).
• Write a short note to the teacher and send it in with your child.
• E-mail the teacher.
• In addition to telling the teacher about your child, ask if there’s anything you can do at home to help your child.

By Claire Gawinowicz
Certified Parenting Educator

If we are together, nothing is impossible. If we are divided, all will fail.

-Winston Churchill

Okay, so we may not be talking about the survival of western civilization, but the survival of our individual families is no less at risk if we don’t find ways to work together. 

In the day-to-day hubbub of life, it is easy to get caught up in all our have-to’s and to view our parenting as one more task on our never-ending “to-do” list.  But if we can take a step back and look at the bigger picture, we can see that underlying it all is the quality of our relationships with our parenting partners and our children.  When we work together, we can garner support, overcome obstacles, and grow in the process.

Some things you can do to build these parenting relationships include:

• Make time to talk (in private, not in front of the kids) about parenting issues.
• Work to understand the other person’s viewpoint and reasons behind their beliefs.
• Try to work out a compromise that meets everyone’s needs.
• If not, you can agree to disagree.  If the disagreement is over a less important issue, you can have two sets of rules – for example, if a child is generally a good eater, then you may say, “When mom is in charge, no treats before dinner. When dad is in charge, you can have one.”
• If the issue is more important, you can choose to select one method and agree to support each other.  This works particularly well if an issue is more important to one partner than the other.
• Watch our two-part narrated presentation on Team Parenting on our website.  http://www.centerforparentingeducation.org/programs_articles.html#oteam

By Deb Cohen
Certified Parenting Educator

“Today you are You, that is truer than true.
There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”

-Dr. Seuss

As a new parent, I did not really understand what Dr. Seuss meant.  I naively expected my children to fit a pre-conceived mold, partly because I was not aware of the concept of temperament, which is what makes your child who he or she is. 

I remember taking my four-year-old son to the township soccer tryouts. I was puzzled and very upset when he had no interest in trying out; he preferred to play in the big mound of dirt on the far side of the field away from all the other kids. I tried coaxing him onto the field because I thought all kids liked soccer. But he was much happier focusing intently on the dirt; drawing designs with a stick, quietly enjoying his solitude. I didn’t realize it but that was his temperament showing.

So what did I wish I knew at the time?

• Temperament is inborn – trying to change it will only result in everyone being frustrated.
• Each child in the family may be different  - your first-born may be quiet and contemplative while  your second may be more interested in being the neighborhood social director.
• If your child marches to a different drummer let him, so long as no one gets hurt.
• Set limits, but keep your child’s temperament in mind when doing so. There are effective management techniques that will work better with different temperaments.
• Know yourself - pay attention to how your own temperament may interact with your child’s.

Summer afternoon – summer afternoon; to me those have always been the two most beautiful words in the English language. 

 ~Henry James 

Yes, Henry James did have children. So why did he think summer afternoons were so beautiful? My recollection of summer afternoons is my children whining:  I’m bored; No, I don’t want to go out and play, I want to watch TV; I’m hungry. I often felt pressured to entertain my kids and to stop the whining by being the camp counselor in my own home. If you are you dreading those beautiful summer afternoons, consider the following:

 1.  Richard Carlson, Ph.D., in his book Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff says when kids whine, I’m bored, try responding with, “Great, be bored for a while.  It’s good for you.”  Carlson says that sometimes kids’  minds, just like their bodies, need an occasional break from stimulation. When you allow your mind to take a break, it comes back stronger, sharper, more focused and creative.

“A critical factor in a child’s well-being is the serenity of his mother. We need to be compassionate toward ourselves, both for the good of our children and for our own good as well.”

From The Price of Privilege by Madeleine Levin

Serenity in motherhood may seem unattainable; in part because of the messages society sends women to be the “perfect” Mom. Then we discover that we are not perfect and we feel guilty. While it may not be possible to eliminate all guilt, it may help to recognize that you don’t have to be the ideal parent and that doing your best is good enough. Dorothy Corkille Briggs in her book, Your Child’s Self Esteem, says, “Children do quite nicely with parents who are less than perfect.”

In addition to cutting yourself some slack, there are other ways to attain some serenity as a Mom in our stressful culture. One way is to nurture yourself.  As Briggs says, “Each move toward nurturing yourself is an investment in the welfare of your family.”

And, yes, Moms, caring for yourself is doable.  Maybe not in the same ways you did before you were a mother, but in new ways, like lying down on the sofa for a short rest, going outside to sit in the sun for ten minutes while your child naps, or asking a trusted friend or relative to babysit while you go to the library to read a couple of magazines. (I personally like to take time out to watch my favorite comedians on YouTube.)

We cannot give our children our best if we are tired, depleted, and defeated; nor can we model for them the importance of self-care if we don’t take care of ourselves. It is not selfish to get nurtured as a parent; take care of yourself so that you will be more giving, helpful, and loving to the people around you. 

By Claire Gawinowicz
Certified Parenting Educator

“Without definite, firm, effective limit-setting from a parent, a child is pushed to find limits for himself. That’s hard and often scary.” T. Berry Brazelton