The Center for Parenting Education

“One must know not just how to accept a gift, but with what grace to share it.”

~Maya Angelou

I once told my sister that my 4-year-old daughter loved to pour lots and lots of maple syrup on her pancakes. So my sister, who is known in our family for giving odd gifts, gave my daughter a bottle of maple syrup for her next birthday. Bless my sister’s heart – she thought she was doing a good thing. But my daughter burst into tears when she opened the gift; probably out of disappointment, shock, and embarrassment that her maple syrup infatuation was exposed. It was not pretty.

So I used the occasion, after the party, to teach my daughter how to accept an unwelcome gift. I told her that it is always a good idea to just say “thank you for thinking of me” and then graciously move on to the next present. After the gift-giver has gone home, your child can then express his true feelings. Even though my daughter loved maple syrup, she didn’t want to ever use that particular bottle, so not long after the party we gave it to a food drive.

During the holidays, if kids are ungrateful of the gifts they receive, it can be a good time for parents to teach grace and appreciation and then share the unwanted gifts with others who may need them. It’s a couple of life lessons all wrapped up in one.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
By Claire Gawinowicz, Certified Parenting Educator

“Charity begins at home.”
Sir Thomas Browne, 1642

At times it may seem that children today are more materialistic than children from an earlier generation and that they have come to expect more and more rather than feeling grateful for what they already have.  The Thanksgiving holiday and all its bounty may magnify this feeling.  But research shows that gratitude can be nurtured and taught. Since parents are the child’s first teachers as well as most important role models here are some tips: 

1. Gratitude and thankfulness are traits children have to develop. Don’t expect too much of your children at first but don’t give up – they have to grow into altruism. Claire Lerner, child development expert says, “Raising a grateful child is an ongoing process.”
2. Express out loud in front of your children your gratitude for the things in life that you may take for granted like running water, electricity, etc.  No need to sermonize – your children may tune you out – just try to be aware of life’s pleasures and mention them.
3. Teach your children to say thank you for favors that people have done for them or for gifts they have received. If they are very young they could draw a picture of thanks and send it. If they are older they can write a thank you note or make a thank-you phone call. And let your children hear you say thank you to the grocery clerk, a waiter, the mail carrier, etc.
4. In an age-appropriate way, expose your children to those less fortunate.
5. Be a good steward of the earth – reduce, reuse, recycle.
6. There’s a difference between gratitude and guilt – the old “clean your plate because of the starving kids in China” may teach guilt instead of gratitude. Teaching your children that taking action to help others helps reduce guilt and build empathy, compassion, and gratitude.
7. Point out when your children do something generous for others or let them overhear you telling another adult what they have done to help.
8. While involving your kids when you help neighbors, family members or friends, keep “life balance” in mind.  You want your children to learn that they need to care for themselves in order to care for others.   

These may seem like small actions to take but our children really do learn more by what we do than by what we say. Being a good example sometimes has more value than giving good advice. 

By Claire Gawinowicz, Certified Parenting Educator

It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change. 
~Author unknown, commonly misattributed to Charles Darwin

Rituals offer families a sense of regularity and order while encouraging connection among the family members. It seems holiday rituals are especially important.

But what happens if there has been a change in your family and the traditions and rituals are not what they used to be? It could be that your children are growing up and don’t have time to decorate the tree because they are running out the door to be with their friends. Or a change in a long-time family ritual could be caused by something as painful as a death in the family. Perhaps your family never had any rituals and you’d like to create some.

How can a family renew or design a healthy ritual?

• Accept change as normal but difficult; any type of change can be felt as a loss and can produce grief and nostalgia for what used to be; allow yourself to mourn the loss or absence of a ritual.
• Then get into action; perhaps you could call a family meeting to brainstorm ideas – remember brainstorming has no right or wrong answers – make a list of all the suggestions and then find a compromise that all can enjoy. Your new/revised ritual doesn’t have to be elaborate; it can be as simple as going on a family walk after the holiday dinner.
• If the new ritual you have created does not work out as you had hoped, then try something else next time – flexibility is key.
• Be positive about and give yourself credit for the new traditions you are establishing, the memories you are creating, and your ability to meet your family’s ever-changing needs.

During the holiday season we may feel pressure to have a “Hallmark” family celebration. But in reality our celebrations can be quite different from that image.  Embrace the idea of updating or changing a family ritual that no longer works and it just may be the beginning of a new family tradition.

by Claire Gawinowicz, Certified Parenting Educator

And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled ’till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn’t come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.
-Dr. Seuss

Oh, the obligations we endure around the holidays. It doesn’t matter what holiday you celebrate, there are always people who expect a visit, there are the delicious treats we feel pressed to cook or bake, and usually there are presents to buy which over-extend our budgets. The holidays have become over-commercialized and stress-filled. Is it possible to get through it unscathed?

As a tried-and-true grinch, I really appreciate the Dr. Seuss quote. However, the other day I had an epiphany. I realized that I used to love Christmas as a child and I have only become a grinch as an adult. So I decided to take back the holiday and make it what it was when I used to enjoy it. This takes courage and creativity. For instance:

I told my adult siblings that I will only be giving presents to the children and grandparents this year They grudgingly said “okay.”
I whittled my decorations down to a spotlight in the yard lighting up a wreath on the lamppost and a few poinsettias placed strategically around the house.

I decided since I love to bake with my kids that I will revel in baking with them. I will have the time to do this since I no longer have to shop for a gazillion presents for my many adult siblings.
Now that I have taken some stress off myself, I may actually enjoy Christmas this year instead of being a “grinch”. Hoping you find ways to de-stress and un-grinch!

by Claire Gawinowicz
Certified Parenting Educator

Click here to see Claire’s take of the holidays and how she plans to make them better