The Center for Parenting Education

“One must know not just how to accept a gift, but with what grace to share it.”

~Maya Angelou

I once told my sister that my 4-year-old daughter loved to pour lots and lots of maple syrup on her pancakes. So my sister, who is known in our family for giving odd gifts, gave my daughter a bottle of maple syrup for her next birthday. Bless my sister’s heart – she thought she was doing a good thing. But my daughter burst into tears when she opened the gift; probably out of disappointment, shock, and embarrassment that her maple syrup infatuation was exposed. It was not pretty.

So I used the occasion, after the party, to teach my daughter how to accept an unwelcome gift. I told her that it is always a good idea to just say “thank you for thinking of me” and then graciously move on to the next present. After the gift-giver has gone home, your child can then express his true feelings. Even though my daughter loved maple syrup, she didn’t want to ever use that particular bottle, so not long after the party we gave it to a food drive.

During the holidays, if kids are ungrateful of the gifts they receive, it can be a good time for parents to teach grace and appreciation and then share the unwanted gifts with others who may need them. It’s a couple of life lessons all wrapped up in one.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
By Claire Gawinowicz, Certified Parenting Educator

“Charity begins at home.”
Sir Thomas Browne, 1642

At times it may seem that children today are more materialistic than children from an earlier generation and that they have come to expect more and more rather than feeling grateful for what they already have.  The Thanksgiving holiday and all its bounty may magnify this feeling.  But research shows that gratitude can be nurtured and taught. Since parents are the child’s first teachers as well as most important role models here are some tips: 

1. Gratitude and thankfulness are traits children have to develop. Don’t expect too much of your children at first but don’t give up – they have to grow into altruism. Claire Lerner, child development expert says, “Raising a grateful child is an ongoing process.”
2. Express out loud in front of your children your gratitude for the things in life that you may take for granted like running water, electricity, etc.  No need to sermonize – your children may tune you out – just try to be aware of life’s pleasures and mention them.
3. Teach your children to say thank you for favors that people have done for them or for gifts they have received. If they are very young they could draw a picture of thanks and send it. If they are older they can write a thank you note or make a thank-you phone call. And let your children hear you say thank you to the grocery clerk, a waiter, the mail carrier, etc.
4. In an age-appropriate way, expose your children to those less fortunate.
5. Be a good steward of the earth – reduce, reuse, recycle.
6. There’s a difference between gratitude and guilt – the old “clean your plate because of the starving kids in China” may teach guilt instead of gratitude. Teaching your children that taking action to help others helps reduce guilt and build empathy, compassion, and gratitude.
7. Point out when your children do something generous for others or let them overhear you telling another adult what they have done to help.
8. While involving your kids when you help neighbors, family members or friends, keep “life balance” in mind.  You want your children to learn that they need to care for themselves in order to care for others.   

These may seem like small actions to take but our children really do learn more by what we do than by what we say. Being a good example sometimes has more value than giving good advice. 

By Claire Gawinowicz, Certified Parenting Educator

“It’s always something.”
-Rosanne Rosannadanna

We recently experienced a couple of family crises during which I felt like I had nothing to be grateful for. I asked myself over and over, “When will this roller-coaster life settle down and become peaceful?” as I wallowed day after day in a prolonged pity party. Then, just in time for Thanksgiving, I found a passage that gave me an epiphany: 

Rather than life being hills and valleys, life is kind of like two rails on a railroad track, and at all times you have something good and something bad in your life. No matter how good things are in your life, there is always something not so good that needs to be worked on. And no matter how bad things are in your life, there is always something good to be thankful for.

I realized that running along the “tracks” of my crises were many good things: a neighbor who insisted I call her whenever I needed to talk, a wise friend who counseled me, young adult children with whom I had a great relationship, and a very patient husband. And how could I have coped without the little things like strong coffee in the morning, long walks along the Wissahickon, and interesting foreign flicks at the local theater?

So when the train of life derails, try to track down the things that might move you and your family towards gratitude during the upcoming holiday season.

                                                    Happy Thanksgiving!

by Claire Gawinowicz
Certified Parenting Educator

“There must be more to life than having everything”
-By Maurice Sendak

It can seem at times that children today are more materialistic and expect that more and more be done for them rather than feeling grateful for what they have.  We live in a culture that encourages spending, buying, instant gratification, superficial values, and quick answers rather than persistence in overcoming obstacles and learning to deal with frustration.

A Tip for Combatting Over-indulgence:
Teaching your children to understand the concept of “enough” is one of the very important, yet simple, things you can do to counteract tendencies toward wanting too much and to encourage a feeling of satisfaction.  The concept of “enough” can be taught informally over many years as situations arise.  For example:

• You have had enough cookies already.  You can have a carrot or an apple.
• You have watched enough TV today.  You can read a book or go outside to play.
• After we get your jacket and jeans, we will see if there is enough money left for the sneakers you want.
• You’ve been out with your friends for enough time this weekend.  Now you need to spend time at home because we haven’t seen enough of you lately.

by Claire Gawinowicz
Certified Parenting Educator

All I really need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.  
-Peanuts character, Lucy

  
Lucy is correct when she says it is okay to overindulge once in a while. For instance, during the holidays we may tend to “overdo” with our children. But a steady diet of this excess can create a sense of entitlement and affect their ability to learn many of the important life skills they need to thrive as adults. What’s the difference between overindulgence and healthy, nurturing parenting?  

•  inundating children with material things or experiences
• doing things for your children that they could do for themselves.
• not holding your children accountable for their behavior.

• encouraging your children to be actively engaged in productive activities
• not over-protecting by rescuing them from their responsibilities or by making excuses for them.
• spending time with your children more than spending money on them.
• actively listening to their wants.
• teaching them to distinguish between wants and needs.
• holding your children accountable for their behavior.
• helping your child to become an educated and critical consumer. 

Healthy doses of structure, limits, and expectations lead to self-reliance, high self-esteem, and a healthy relationship between parents and children (and a little chocolate every once in a while doesn’t hurt either).